Life in the Gray

I remember going to counseling for the first time about 6 years ago. I was noticing some patterns in myself that I did not like, but did not know how to break. As sessions went by, there came one where I was explaining a couple qualities I wanted to change. My counselor said, "Well, wait a minute. That quality isn't bad, it just needs to be moderated." 

It caused me to pause in that moment, and as I continue on in life now, it still causes me to pause sometimes. 

We can be quick to view things as either all good or all bad; people, principles and ideas, organizations, possessions. This is especially true about people like me, who struggle a bit when having to navigate something that is not so black and white in nature, but gray. Not everything can be plainly categorized as "good or bad." Some things are "good / bad if or when…" In 1 Corinthians 10, Paul writes a little about this when he says: 

All things are lawful, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful, but not all things edify. (v23)

He’s encouraging the church to avoid Israel’s mistakes in this chapter. Basically, what he’s saying here is - you can do anything you want, sure, but that doesn’t mean doing it is “all good.”. He’s navigating us to the truth within the gray. Here’s how this unfolds in my head in a personal way - 

I’m a very direct, straightforward person. I don’t present things in a sugar-coated fashion. This can be good, but it isn’t all good and it isn’t always beneficial…IF it’s not moderated. I can “be” any way I want, but that doesn’t justify my being direct as becoming unnecessarily harsh in the process. That wouldn’t be beneficial, but damaging. Being direct is “good until…” it ignores the other’s feelings and communication needs. I could end that sentence a dozen different ways.

Let’s look at this from a different, more tangible angle… In that counseling session I referenced above, we were talking about my tendency to become a workaholic. It was easy for me to get caught up in my work, and very difficult for me to turn off; stop checking emails, leave at a decent hour, etc. I began to view having a strong work ethic as "all bad" because of what it led to for me, and wanted to change it in myself. But my counselor was quick to show me that it doesn't have to be like that. That work ethic is a positive thing - a great thing, even - it just had to be moderated, or kept under control. 

We tend to jump right to the extremes of things so we can quickly label it, and conduct life according to those labels. We rob ourselves by doing this! We rob ourselves of the truth that lies in the gray, and end up with thought patterns we have to unlearn. Honestly, the fact that I just typed that out blows my mind because the idea that everything in life was black and white was a hill I would've died on a few years ago. 

Here are some examples to show you what I mean in an everyday kind of way:

Compassion. Some view those who are not openly empathetic and emotional as harsh and heartless, and all bad. Some view compassion as being endlessly open and emotional for the sake of others, and all good. What if I said neither of those things are true? What if true compassion is empathy… with boundaries (sounds a little gray, doesn't it?), expressed according to the specific needs of the person / situation? There is wisdom in compassion, which means that compassion without boundaries isn't all good, just as not expressing it as expected isn’t all bad. 

Sex Drive. Before being married, we’re sort of taught having any type of sexual desire is a bad thing. While that may not have been the intended message, that is certainly how I've found it to be taught in churches growing up. But see, having the desire to have sex is not a bad thing any more than having sex before marriage is a good thing. Having that desire is good, and will likely have a positive impact on your marriage, but before marriage, it needs to be moderated in a God-glorifying fashion within us. Sexual desire doesn’t need to die, it needs to be managed until the appropriate time. 

People. In their book Safe People, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend explain that we take this “all good / all bad” view with people sometimes. If someone’s imperfections show, and hurt us, the unhealthy version of ourselves may begin seeing them as all bad rather than simply imperfect and in need of some guidance…just like us. A person isn’t all bad because they have some bad traits or tendencies. Realistically, nobody can be all bad because we were all made in the image of God; there’s the good of God in everyone even if it’s not being amplified within the person. At the same time, nobody is all good either courtesy of sin. There’s a bit of gray in us as people. If we don’t come to realize this, we begin to label people as “all bad” and break relationships that potentially didn’t need to be broken. That mindset leaves no room for grace and change.

This idea applies to so many things happening in the world right now, too, specifically things happening in this country. Is the way we’ve responded to the COVID-19 pandemic as a nation, or as states, all good or all bad? I’d say it’s gray. Is the church’s response to restrictions related to worship during this time all good or all bad? I’d say it’s gray. Is the Black Lives Matter movement all good or all bad? I’d say that’s gray, too.  There is merit on both sides of those issues, and many other issues, but I’ve not found that the right answers lie on either side. I think it’s somewhere in the middle…in the gray. 

And here’s the thing about life in the gray, and why I believe it’s actually a biblical worldview… 

>> It requires that we develop an intense dependency on the Lord and the wisdom in His Word. << 

To be clear, I don’t think God set us in the middle of a gray area and wished us luck. I think we have gray area in this life, and all the many aspects of it, because we’re imperfect people who muddied the waters. But God knows that, hence the provision of His Word, His presence and a community of believers to help us navigate it all. 

Knowing that, life in the gray doesn’t seem so crazy to me anymore. In fact, I’ve come to embrace it. 

~ Alyssa